November 27th

Sunday,  November 27 2011, I had many conflicting feelings. I felt like I needed to be at Church. But I also felt like I needed to get away from there. It started going wrong during gospel principles and they were talking about eternal families. I felt really upset with  thoughts that I'll never have that. That I'll be as alone after this mortal life as I felt I was then. I couldn't handle it. I felt the need to run and get out of the building. I started crying and i don't like crying in front of others so I escaped to my car. I was overloaded with feelings of extreme sadness and depressive thoughts. I felt confused because I heard two things going on in my head. One, telling me to turn on my car speed off and never come back. The other gently coaxing me to calm down and go back inside. 

I went back in part way through relief society. Sister Boyack was talking about Holy places. The first place that popped into my head besides Temple and Church was the waterfront. 

I was standing in the hallway waiting for the chapel doors to open and Brother Turner approached and I started to try and tell him what was going on, but I felt like I couldn't really. Then once I got inside the chapel I got the same feeling to run and get out of there. Then I got a second feeling telling me to stay and that I need to partake of the sacrament. So I told myself, ok I would do my best to at least wait until after that.

Then I was getting really strong feelings that I don't belong at Church, that I have no place there, that I'm not worthy, that I don't deserve to be there, that no one there cares about me, that I needed to get out of there right there and then. I was overwhelmed. I didn't hear an argument from the other side so I bolted.  I got outside when I felt a pull to go back inside. That things would be ok, I just need to take part of the sacrament..

I followed the pull back inside and found Sister Villaflor looking for me. I fell apart talking with her. I felt embarrassed at crying in front of other people and in front of her. I felt the need to go back outside and leave. But I felt a stronger feeling to go inside the chapel with her. We got inside the chapel right in the knick of time as the priesthood was administering the sacrament. I felt a small tinge of relief. 

As the meeting went on I became calmer and eventually stopped crying. When the last speaker came up and was talking about people not feeling worthy for the Temple, I heard the Spirit say to me:

"You feel like you aren't worthy of the Church. Yet you have a temporary recommend. If you are worthy of the Temple, then you are worthy of the Church"

It made sense. I was calmer and wasn't feeling the negative stuff as strongly. After sacrament meeting, first the missionaries came over to check on me, then Sister Kohagen, then Brother Braathen.  

At work that night, I was standing at the waterfront looking over the water and I was thinking that for me, it does count as a Holy place because I felt at peace. Just taking in the beauty of the land that our Heavenly Father has given us. Then at 12:04am, 11/28, the answers just started flooding into my mind. I found out a door was opened for Satan's influence to infect me. He was the reason for the anger, sadness, depressed feelings. Things I don't normally feel. I'm normally a happy positive person. The negative side had gone away when I joined the Church. The me wanting out of Church so bad wasn't me, it was him. Thinking about it, it all made sense. Then at 2:03am 11/28, I got a message from the Spirit saying:

"Satan, he hath no place in your heart, in your soul. Ye need to be vigilant in keeping him out. I can help you so much, but it is for you to choose who influences you.. I cannot dwell in unclean spaces. Where Satan dwells it is filth and I cannot be there. He is the king of all wickedness and is a sharp and cunning one. If he can get you back following him, he will. Keep in following your Father Eternal. Keep in His commandments. Be strong and righteous. Ye may rely on us for assistance, but it is for you to choose the right"

I was feeling a lot better Monday. I still felt off-kilter. So I talked to the missionaries and Elder Yates gave me a blessing of comfort. That helped tremendously. I feel whole again. I feel back to being me and back to being able to feel the Spirit with me as strong as I normally do.